Getting Past the Surface
Sometimes you can be friends with someone for years or even in a relationship and still have things to learn about each other. If this is true for those in our social circle what about people we don't know, yet we believe we know who they are based from what we see on the surface? Here are some tips for getting past invalid judgments or superficial rapport to a more real bond.
Have you ever had that moment when you’re out with friends and then they share some information about their past and you say, “Wow, I didn’t know that about you!”? Sometimes you can be friends with someone for years or even in a relationship and still have things to learn about each other.
If this is true for those in our social circle what about people we don't know, yet we believe we know who they are based from what we see on the surface? Here are some tips for getting past invalid judgments or superficial rapport to a more real bond.
1. When having a conversation with someone you know or just met, listen to what they are saying without waiting for your turn to speak. If you aren’t concerned with rushing to share your thoughts and patiently wait to add your perspective, you will be providing more of your full attention to the person in your company, which in return they will appreciate being heard. Also, stay present. Do not get distracted by people in the room or your phone. Be in the moment and you will realize how much you get to know about your companion.
2. Instead of asking the usual “How are you?” ask “What has been the best part of your day today?” You may throw them off guard, but then a positive conversation can get started as you both share what happened that brought happiness. Psst, this is not the question you have to use, it’s just a suggestion to go beyond the typical banter. Ask about an update on someone or a situation you know matters to them. Ask them a silly question like if their life was a movie what would be in the funny outtakes/gag reel? Think of any question that can provide an answer with more detail or a one word response. If you need assistance do an online search for alternative questions to, “how are you?” or conversation starters.
3. If you appreciate diversity and want to know someone because they are a part of a culture that is different from yours, be respectable. Do not ask where they’re from, what their name means, or what they’re mixed with. Let them share that information on their own if they want. When you pry and continue to re-word the questions because they are not giving you the answer you want, this means they do not want to share. Respect their right to not share and change the subject. Because truthfully it is not really our business what race someone is or where they’re from. They’re a person, a human being just like you. Just because someone is a part of a culture that speaks a language, honors traditions, and wears a style that differs from a culture you identify with, that doesn’t make them entertainment or a subject on the National Geographic channel to be studied.
4. If you fear someone because they are different from you, start a conversation with them. You may realize you have more in common than you could have imagined, or that there is nothing to be afraid of. If they work in your building, introduce yourself and say what you do or what department you’re in and that you are working on getting to meet everyone. At that moment they may share their name and what position they have as well. Or perhaps it's someone who frequents the same coffee shop as you, just casually say hi and introduce yourself. If they only share a name and you’re not getting a “vibe” they want to continue speaking, just say it was nice to meet them and say their name, i.e. “It was nice to meet you Joe, enjoy the rest of your day.” From then on when you see “Joe” say hi and include his name. When you use someone’s name that makes them feel special you remembered their name and will also help in having them be more comfortable to speak with you. If you have time ask some of the questions in option 2. Next thing you know you both will start having more to say to each other and get to know one another more. If you unfortunately do not get the chance to build a connection with “Joe” don’t make assumptions about him. Everyone has their own story and battles they are dealing with. Every one of us end up the way we are from what we have learned and experienced. If you do not get to know where “Joe” is coming from, don’t make up stories in your head, share them, and then convince others its truth. Let him be. Yet, I’m rooting for you two to end up as friends!
Enjoy getting to know people and those close to you better! Stay engaged during dialogue, have more in depth conversations, allow yourself to know people for who they are and not who you assume them to be, choose to be respectful, and kind.
We project what is within, which is why Luv Mrk offers Impacting Perceptions, a transformative workshop to explore our personal views and how these interpretations affect self and relationships with others. Discover how outside influences from our experiences and environment to the media shapes our perceptions which in turn inspire our choices and actions. When we identify the beneficial and/or destructive impact our beliefs have on our lives we can then consciously choose to evolve our approach to the way we treat ourselves and those around us in order to cultivate the peace and Luv we seek in the world.
Stop Burning Wishes
You do not need to burn down other homes in order to keep your own home standing on a strong foundation. You do not have to crumble peace in the lives of others in order to use their rubble to build peace in yours.
There are individuals and groups doing what they can to stop wishes from coming true for others. If you are someone who has been a roadblock to others so they may not turn their dreams into reality, ask yourself why. Why do you believe you must create obstacles to prevent certain people from bettering their life?
You do not have to fear the progress of others. Have enough confidence in yourself where you won't feel the need to spend your time doing what you can to block people from attaining their goals because you fear it will take away from your accomplishments, your capacity to keep living the life you have, or be afraid it will somehow seize your opportunities from improving your life.
Instead of spending your time and energy on destroying others happiness, spend that energy and time on building your trust in your own abilities to keep or create the life you want for yourself. You do not need to burn down other homes in order to keep your own home standing on a strong foundation. You do not have to crumble peace in the lives of others in order to use their rubble to build peace in yours. You do not have to bind hands, silence lips, or devastate their lives for you to be able to create, speak, or be alive. Stop believing you have to blow out the light in others in order for you to shine. Realize what caused these thoughts to find a place in your mind, finding their way to take over your inner-peace and having you project this inner-battle into an outer war. In recognition of knowing the source, you are able to defeat it. At that moment you are able to choose what you want to do now. Do you want to destroy or build?
You want safety, so does everyone else. You want shelter, so does everyone else. You want happiness, so does everyone else. You want freedom, so does everyone else. You want Luv, so does everyone else.
Your fear and actions taken in regard to your need to stay on top is what is dimming your light. When others shine that is not a threat to you, we can all shine together. For our lives to be better, we have to be better. For our world to be more at peace, we have to be at peace. For Luv to exist, we have to allow it to live.
If you or someone you know needs to receive assistance in getting to the root of what has caused your fears, anger, sadness, lack of confidence, lack of love for self and others, emotional pain, and other damaging feelings holding you back from happiness, one on one coaching is available. Transformational tools are provided to replace language and thoughts that block progress to constructive words and beliefs opening you up to your capabilities. Recognize your ability to overcome battles and charge through obstacles. Stop having dreams and pursue goals. Take control of your life to live it for you and not by the expectations of others. Know your worth. Luv yourself. Luv others. Ultimately bring to surface the power, inner strength, and courage you have to be your authentic self. Contact us for more information.